Irrational Fear

Almost everyone I know has something they fear or some type of phobia. Mine is bridges, which is called gephyrophobia.  I do not like them.  My worst fear is getting into a car accident on a bridge and going over into the water.  While it is a fear, it does not keep me from crossing bridges, even though I have been known to take a ferry from Seattle to Bremerton instead of crossing the Narrows Bridge in Tacoma when it is windy or rainy. I haven't done that for over 15 years.

Jacob has been having headaches and dizzy spells since he had his 3rd concussion in June. I have been putting off taking him to the doctor in hopes that the problem would stop with time.  Well, it has gotten to the point where I could not avoid it anymore and I am forced to deal with a secret fear. The doctor has ordered a brain MRI to see what is going on and to RULE OUT the possibility of a Chiari Malformation, which can be genetic and why I had brain surgery five years ago. And then the secret was out!  When the doctor told me we needed to do the MRI, I could feel the fear taking over and he could tell I wasn't comfortable with the idea. I absolutely do not want any of my children to have this problem.  Back when I was diagnosed and we discovered it can be genetic, Jason and I discussed it and agreed we would never want to have the kids tested unless they were showing symptoms and now here we are.

I have gotten very little sleep this week since we made the MRI appointment.  Every morning I have had to continually given this over to God and yesterday I broke and sobbed uncontrollably for awhile.  As much as I have tried to give it to God, I keep taking it back! I reach at my hand to hand it over, but I always pull back before it is handed over.

In church this month, our pastor has decided to take a break from the series of sermons he is preaching in Mark and focus on the responsibilities of the "church". Our church has grown tremendously in the last few years with many new believers.  Today's sermon was entitled, "Messy" and focused on serving other.  We started by reading Matthew 5:13-16. When I opened up my bible, there was a little box at the bottom of the page that said this:

Worry...

compromises your

joy, cramps your

peace, and confines

your freedom.

     -June Hunt

What does that have to do with serving???? Well, nothing, but it had everything to do with what I needed to hear this morning! Instead of trying to hand it over, I have dropped it at his feet. I refuse to be crippled by this anymore. So, what happens if Jacob tests positive?  Then we deal with it, just like we dealt with it 5 years ago when this birth defect can into my life. I am done picking back up this fear every day and every year.

Does this mean I don't convet your prayers in the morning? Absolutely not!  Please be praying at 10:15am tomorrow morning (Monday) for Jacob and for me. The MRI will take about an hour.